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Soccer Cultist!
By Ed Williams, Fri Dec 9th
Man, I’m really worried about one of my two buddies in theBrotherhood, Hugh Foskey! That’s right, I’m really worried about the Fosk these days.Hugh, along with Ray Pippin and myself, form “The Brotherhood,”the most elite social organization in the world. Our membershiplist has totaled just three since 1976, and you can‘t get muchmore exclusive than a club with only three members. Ray and Hughare my two best friends, so if something goes wrong for one ofthem it automatically becomes a concern for me. And that bringsme around to what’s going on with Hugh these days. Used to, Hugh and I would occasionally get together to watch aballgame, grab some Nu-Ways, or just talk some smack about whothe hottest woman in America is. Nowadays, I’m lucky if we getin a few minutes on the telephone every few days. Frankly, thissituation has concerned me, so I decided to do a littleundercover work to see just what’s going on. What I’ve found hasreally shocked me, but, being the professional investigativejournalist that I am, I’m going to let all my readers in on thesordid truth behind what’s monopolizing Hugh’s time. Bottomline, Hugh’s joined a cult.
I know it’s shocking, and I know it’s something that’s hard fory’all to believe, but Hugh’s involved in a cult. It’s somethingcalled “Youth Soccer,” and it’s got him wrapped him up like anewspaper does a freshly caught brim. Hugh’s into it bad, and Idon‘t know if I’ll ever get him out of it. If I call him up on aSaturday and ask him to go to a ballgame, he’ll inform me thatRoss or Will (his two sons, both are proud SOBs, Sons Of TheBrotherhood) have “Saturday morning indoor games.” Other timeshe’ll tell me that they’re “playing a rec league Thursday nighttournament game,” or that they’re having “an out-of-towner” wayoff in another city. Honestly, I think Hugh and his boys areplaying seven days a week, and, on top of that, soccerseason apparently runs year round, as Hugh openly admits thathis boys play from early February on up ‘til up aroundThanksgiving. When Thanksgiving comes, they take off for a fewweeks, get a bunch of new gear for Christmas, and thenthey start it up all over again in February. Frankly, I’ve neverseen Hugh so enmeshed
in something, it’s so bad that I‘mstarting to think that a bunch of naked Amazonian women standingon the sidelines couldn‘t get him off a field. Well, before I can attempt to get him out of this cult, I haveto try to understand it. I’m already sensing the attraction forHugh. seems to have its biggest following down in SouthAmerica, huge crowds there attend the games and just go bonkersover it. I’m sure Hugh likes the fact that all those people areso passionately into the sport, and he also appreciates the factthat those South Americans like to play free and easy with therules. I guess you would say its kinda like Ric Flair soccer. Ifthe game is going badly, the coach just makes up a few newrules, distracts the ref, and then gets his team back into thegame. Hugh would appreciate that kind of sportsmanship, in fact,he and his sons have been going to school recently in order tolearn to how to referee games. That way, Hugh, Will, andRoss can not only play but they can also take bribes and skimoff the coaches of the other teams as well. This little gambitcould end up being so lucrative for Hugh that he might end upretiring from his job and devoting himself full-time topari-mutuel soccer. Only in America, you know. Well, it’s my duty to get Hugh out of this cult - he’s startingto kick his dirty underwear around the house, and just the otherday he spent twenty minutes telling me about how much a soccerball should weigh. It’s just too much, and I’m puzzled as to howto handle it. So please, loyal readers, for Hugh’s sake and forthe preservation of the Brotherhood, I humbly ask you for yourhelp. Please send Hugh an email at: hfoskey@cox.net ...tell him that you love him, and remind him that Ray and Imiss him here in the Brotherhood. Perhaps, if enough expressionsof love and kindness find their way to him, he’ll come to hissenses, and then go with Ray and I to wherever Amazonian womenhang out in order for us to beg them to come out to anothersoccer game... About the author:Ed’s latest book, “Rough As A Cob,“ can be ordered by callingRiver City Publishing toll-free at: 877-408-7078. He’s also apopular after dinner speaker, and his column runs in a number ofSoutheastern publications. You can contact him via email at:ed3@ed-williams.com, or through his web site address at:www.ed-williams.com.
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